Heroes Cell Block Tango
by Boisterous Hal
Summary: My reimagining of the "Cell Block Tango" from the musical Chicago featuring Heroes characters and events from Volume One. Hopefully it will provide you with some comic relief.


Summary: My reimagining of the "Cell Block Tango" (from the musical Chicago) using some Heroes characters from Volume One. I have only recently seen Volume One (I loved it!) so I wrote this for a laugh. Just imagine the characters are dancing and singing on a theatre stage.

Disclaimer: I do not own Heroes or Chicago.

**Heroes Cell Block Tango**

PETER: Boom.

CLAIRE: Smash.

MATT: Thoughts.

HIRO: No no.

NIKI: Garage.

SYLAR: Slice, slice.

VOICEOVER MAN: ...and now, the six fallen heroes of the basement of Primatech Paper in their rendition of the "Cell Block Tango".

PETER: Boom.

CLAIRE: Smash.

MATT: Thoughts.

HIRO: No no.

NIKI: Garage.

SYLAR: Slice, slice.

ALL: They had it coming, they had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it...I betcha you would have done the same.

PETER: You know how some people have siblings they've just given up on? Take my big brother Nathan for instance. Nathan aspired to be elected a Congressman in the 14th Congressional District of New York. Instead of campaigning honestly, he rigged the poll with the help of Daddy's friend, Mr. Linderman - the same man Nathan wanted to bring down only five months previously. Disgraceful! I told him one day that I thought I could fly and he brushed me aside like a basket case. He had completely given up hope in me. Then he learnt that he could fly and thought he could be a hero by saving millions of lives. I was only to happy to let him fly me up so I could detonate him in the atmosphere. The fool! He should have gone along with dear Mommy's plans and escaped the city in a chopper. Now he's a bigger basket case than me.

ALL: He had it coming, he had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it...I betcha you would have done the same.

CLAIRE: There was this really nice boy at school called Brody. A quarterback with charm and a winning smile. I thought he was a nice boy and when my guard was down he took advantage. So one night I'm driving him home and I'm trying to get an apology out of him, some form of closure. He just laughed in my face, so things didn't work out between us. You know, there's nothing quite like the sound of breaking glass and smashed metal late at night time.

ALL: He had it coming, he had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it...I betcha you would have done the same.

MATT: Uh, all these voices in my head...how I've heard people's thoughts while avoiding insanity is beyond me. People have really violent thoughts that I'd rather not know about. This ability does have its advantages however, like that time when I found out that a colleague of mine was having an affair with my wife because he was thinking about it. Let's just say that his face will need some rearranging to get it back to how it was originally.

ALL: If you had been there, if you had heard it...I betcha you would have done the same.

HIRO [in Japanese]: What am I doing here? I tried to warn Mr. Issac that he was going to be killed by a bad man in five weeks. Then I saw his hemicapitated body in his loft and I knew that my mission had failed. The policemen thought I did it. I said "No no, the bad man is the murderer!" I was actually in the future, when a massive bomb will wipe out half of New York City. Ka-Boom! I would feel so bad if so many people were to die, so I will try to stop the bomb because it is my destiny. [Hiro realises that he got through his story in a single take, which is a gigantic achievement for him.] I did it!

ALL: He had it coming.

NIKI: I didn't want to be an internet stripper, but I was desperate to pay the bills. Still it wasn't enough so I borrowed from Mr. Linderman in order to survive. When he sent his thugs over for the repayment, I was so scared. They were violent and horny. I didn't know what happened next. All I remember is waking up in the garage and there was blood everywhere, along with the torn up bodies of the thugs. I'm so frightened because I feel like someone is always following me, and that I'm being someone who I'm not.

JESSICA: You got that right sister. They had it coming, they had it coming. They had it coming all along. I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?

SYLAR: I was an innocent watchmaker, always striving to achieve something in my life but always meeting with disappointment. I felt extraordinary when I found out I had an ability, but when I approached Dr. Chandra Suresh about it he threw me on the scrapheap. So I killed him. Then I killed Zane Taylor, Dale Smither and Charlie Andrews amongst others, all worthless fools who didn't know how to properly use their abilities. When the world kneels at my feet to worship me I will have all the cheerleaders in the world to bang, I mean kill at my pleasure.

ALL: They had it coming, they had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it...I betcha you would have done the same.

PETER: He's a bigger basket case then me.

CLAIRE: A quarterback.

MATT: ..having an affair with my wife...

HIRO [in Japanese]: A massive bomb will wipe out half of New York City.

NIKI: There was blood everywhere.

SYLAR: Always meeting with disappointment.

PETER: Boom.

CLAIRE: Smash.

MATT: Thoughts.

HIRO: No no.

NIKI: Garage.

SYLAR: Slice, slice.

[Nathan enters from stage left.]

NATHAN: You know, in the future I will try to have you all imprisoned for the reason of national security. Except you Niki, you will die in a spectacular visual effects explosion before that.

[Everyone else draws a pistol and shoots at Nathan. He slumps to the ground, his body riddled with bullets.]

NATHAN [using his dying breath]: I certainly...didn't see...[cough]...that one coming!

THE END


End file.
